Well my friends, the day has finally come. After many years of jotting down every stray thought I have in a journal, notebook, or scrap piece of paper, i’m breaking the mold and going digital! This is also the first time I have shared my inner thoughts with anyone (other than late night ponderings I share with my dog) and this both excites and scares the shit out of me simultaneously.
Why now? My heart is often my guide and lately it has felt a little lost. My hope is that this is the beginning of my journey to find my way again.
People have often commented that I have a knack for words and that I should share them with the world in some way. I have no clue why the thought of a blog was so intimidating but the mere thought gave me instant palm sweats. I made excuses, I drug my feet, I procrastinated and told myself “one day” I would have time to make it happen. The truth-I was just not ready. Maybe I didn’t have enough to say? (Ha!!) Maybe I was just afraid to say it? At any rate, as time marches on I realize that there are not unlimited tomorrows and “waiting” is bullshit. I am utterly exhausted by waiting-for the right job, the right house, the right time to travel, the right time to tell someone how I really feel, etc…I realize that I have spent the last few years waiting on my life to come to me instead of putting on my big girl panties and going out and finding it myself.
The lesson I am slowly learning-nothing is going to magically come together. The perfect job isn’t going to apply for itself. The plane tickets are not going to auto order. My life isn’t going to wrap itself up with a neat little bow like the ones my mum is so good at making (she really is amazingly talented-but that is for a later discussion). The restlessness I feel isn’t going to disappear into a vanishing cabinet. In order to have the life I want, I am going to have to go out there and grab it with both hands and mold it by force if necessary. This is my first, admittedly small, step in the right direction.
Writing has always been my “thing”.
It has helped me weather the storms of life without going completely batshit crazy. It has also been my “I feel like doing a cartwheel” when I am super excited-because we all know there are no cartwheels coming from this clumsy girl. Writing is power. It’s a way to say what I wish I could say aloud sometimes. It’s my protection when I don’t want to get hurt. It’s the tears that I have cried when someone lets me down. Or when I let myself down. It’s the texts I send, the words I type in an email, the outpouring of my most inner thoughts on a napkin at dinner. It’s a joke that makes me laugh until I can’t breathe. It’s the fear I hide behind a brave face because I don’t want to be weak. It’s the smile I get when I am around the people who warm my heart.
My words may not always be the most eloquent-I like to curse and love to over punctuate. One thing you can count on-they will always be honest. They will always be authentic. These entries are going to hold me accountable for living a more colorful, bold life. One that will make me happy and proud. My hope is that it will be full of adventures and new experiences. Both joy and sorrow-real life. Messy, chaotic and beautiful. That’s what it’s all about, guys. The wildflowers are calling-time to kick off my shoes and take a walk. Some days it will feel like gliding on cotton candy clouds. On others I may step on briars and my feet may bleed. At the end of the day, it’s worth the risk to feel free.
“You belong somewhere you feel free”-Tom Petty