“Listen to the night as the night knows your truths, your stories, your aches, your dreams, your cravings, your forgotten memories not so forgotten.” -Victoria Erickson
The witching hour has come and gone. One would think I would be sleepy by now. In reality, my body is exhausted but my mind feels like I just ate a bag of coffee beans and washed them down with a Redbull or three. This is not an anomaly-I am often awake when the crazy roosters next door begin crowing. Yeah, about that…not sure if they are perpetually confused or just assholes but they insist on starting their day somewhere between 2:30 and 4:00 in the morning.
Good thing I love animals or they would become menu items at the Colonel’s. Of the extra crispy variety.
At any rate, insomnia and I are old friends. This is partially because I insist on drinking caffeine late in the day (I am aware that this is unwise but you know how much we southerners love our sweet tea). It’s also because I truly love the night. I like knowing that most people around me are sound asleep and I have the moon and stars to myself for a bit. It’s also when I am at my most vulnerable.
Lately my day is so full of spreadsheets, meetings, conversations, and responsibilities that I am able to shove everything else into the back of the closet of my mind and hide it behind the more pressing matters (work is the new shirt that’s hung pristinely on a hanger and the rest of my life is lying in a wrinkled ball at the back). At night, there are no distractions. I have to unwad the rest of my life from the closet floor and try to iron it out. In doing so, I wonder if life is meant to be lived this way.
Obviously we all have to work, but does it have to completely envelop us? Should we let it take over who we are? I haven’t always been this way. Where did the change occur and who have I become? More importantly, how do I get ME back? I like ME-she’s a pretty fun gal and I miss her.
The paragraph above has been the focal point of my late night musings as of late. How to get myself back…how to feel like I am more than a supervisor at a corporate company. I feel like the walls are closing in on me lately and I always have more to do and never enough time.
More emails. More evaluations. More reporting. More feedbacks. More coaching notes. More meetings. More training. The list goes on…
The responsibilities just keep on comin’ and I find myself working 55 hour weeks but forgetting to do the simple things-pay bills, schedule a hair appointment, etc… It’s enough to crack even the most diligent master of multitasking. Once my brain has unplugged from work mode (sometimes I literally have to take a shower to “wash away” the office), I find myself awake at night pondering the rest of my life.
Aside from work stress, a situation with a friend has been weighing heavily on me. My friendships mean the world to me and I am fiercely protective of the people that I love. Recently, I was very honest with a friend about a myriad of topics-mostly that I was worried about them. You know when you have held in your feelings until you feel like you are going to spontaneously combust if you don’t say something??? I was there. Actually, I was beyond there.
So I let it all out-in a text message. Who does that? Me, that’s who. I am sure you can guess how that went…
Texts are forever. You can’t take that shit back. Everything I said was 100% true and 100% from the heart. Guess what? It’s been over a month and they haven’t spoken to me since.
Not a mother f**king word. Not a hello. Not a, “thank you for being honest with me and caring” or “I’m sorry about being a crappy friend”, or even, “whatever a-hole. You are wrong and way out of line.”…Crickets. The only thing worse than an irrational response is no response. It’s like friendship emotional warfare. I try not to dwell on what I cannot change, but that feeling of being used is both infuriating and insulting-particularly when you have invested a lot in that person/friendship over the years. C’est la vie I suppose.
At any rate, between work and trying to figure myself and my relationships with others out I am burning far beyond the midnight oil most nights. I am sure you can look forward to many more of these pre-dawn ramblings while I sort through the weeds and try to find a pathway…a mile marker…or a fork in the road.
Until then, sweet dreams my dears.
Alligator mouth 3 (complicated way to say ❤ that I learned from a 10 year old-always makes me laugh when I say it aloud…the things you learn from kiddos).